Understanding Power & Control
At Waikato Women’s Refuge - Te Whakaruruhau, we use the Power & Control Wheel – a tool developed by survivors – to show how abuse is not just physical and sexual violence but a pattern of behaviours used to dominate others. Here’s how these tactics show up in real life:
Power & Control Wheel
Why the Wheel Matters
This model helps us:
- Show abuse is intentional: Not "loss of temper"
- Validate hidden abuses: Like emotional control
- Explain why leaving is hard: It’s not just "one incident"
1. Physical Violence
- Involves the use of force that causes bodily harm, injury, or pain
- Often leaves visible injuries, but can also be hidden
- A form of control in abusive relationships, used to intimidate, dominate, or punish
Sexual Violence
- Any unwanted sexual act or activity imposed without consent
- Consent must be freely given, informed, and reversible—otherwise, it’s abuse
- Survivors may experience shame, fear, or PTSD, but support and legal action are available
2. Intimidation
Intimidation is when an abusive partner uses threats, actions, or gestures to create fear and maintain control. This doesn’t always involve physical violence—it can be more subtle, including looks, breaking things, or reminders of past abuse to keep the victim afraid and compliant. Intimidation keeps the victim walking on eggshells, always afraid of what might happen if they don’t obey for example:
- Punching walls, slamming doors
- Threats, angry outbursts, stalking
- Using looks/gestures to instil fear
3. Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is when someone uses words, actions, or manipulation to break down their partner’s self-worth, independence, and mental well-being. Unlike physical abuse, the wounds aren’t visible—but the damage runs deep. Emotional abuse leaves victims feeling trapped, confused, and powerless, often making it harder to leave the relationship.
- Name-calling, humiliation, gaslighting
- Making you feel "crazy" or worthless
- Ignoring you for days, then love-bombing
4. Isolation
Isolation is a deliberate tactic used by abusers to cut victims off from friends, family, and support networks, making them easier to control. In New Zealand, this often intersects with cultural, geographic, and technological factors.
- Taking away phones/laptops, or monitoring messages
- Forcing you to share social media passwords so they can control who you connect with
- Cutting you off from whānau/friends
- Controlling who you see or talk to
5. Minimising , Denying & Blaming
Minimising , Denying & Blaming is when an abusive partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions, making their victim doubt their own reality. They might downplay hurtful behaviour, pretend it never happened, or twist the story to blame the victim. Over time, this gaslighting makes the victim question their memory, feelings, and even sanity.
- Minimising - Downplaying the severity of abuse to make the victim feel like they’re "overreacting." "It was just a slap—it’s not like I punched you."
- Denying - Refusing to acknowledge the abuse happened or gaslighting the victim into doubting their memory – “I never hit you. You’re imagining things."
- Blaming - Shifting responsibility onto the victim, making them feel at fault for the abuse. - "If you hadn’t pissed me off, I wouldn’t have lost control."
6. Children
"Using Children" in the Power and Control Wheel is when an abusive partner manipulates the kids to maintain power over the other parent. This can involve guilt, fear, or forcing the children to take sides, damaging both the parent-child relationship and the kids' emotional well-being.
- Using the child to threaten or scare the other parent into staying “Tell your mum if she leaves, she’ll never see you again”
- Pressuring the child to spy on the other parent
- Using custody or visitation to control or punish the other parent.
7. Privilege
"Using Privilege" in the Power and Control Wheel means someone takes advantage of their power, status, or unfair
advantages in society to control their partner. They might use things like money, gender stereotypes, or social
influence to make their partner feel powerless.
- Treating you like a servant
- Making all the "big decisions" alone
- Using traditional gender roles to dismiss their partner’s opinions.
8. Financial Control
“Economic abuse” is when an abusive partner controls, exploits, or sabotages their victim’s financial resources to maintain power over them. By restricting access to money, employment, or financial independence, the abuser traps the victim in the relationship.
- Withholding basic needs, e.g. food, medicine or hygiene products
- Stealing your money, tax refunds, or benefits
- Forbidding you from working
9. Coercion & Threats
Coercion and threats are central tactics in the Power and Control Wheel, used to intimidate, manipulate, and strip victims of their autonomy. This category often overlaps with other forms of abuse (like emotional, physical, or financial control) to enforce dominance.
- Threats of self-harm or threats against loved ones or pets
- Threatening to call Oranga Tamariki, Courts or Police
- Forcing pregnancy, abortion, or sabotaging birth control.
How to Use the Power & Control Wheel
For Survivors
- Recognise unhealthy patterns in your relationship
- Validate your experiences - abuse is never your fault
- Identify what safety strategies you might need
For Supporters
- Learn to spot warning signs of abuse
- Understand why leaving can be complex
- Practice non-judgmental support
For Organisations & Workers
- Train staff to identify coercive control
- Frame abuse as intentional patterns, not isolated incidents
- Develop safety plans that address all forms of abuse
For Community Leaders
- Challenge myths about abuse in your communities
- Help create environments where survivors feel believed
For Those Causing Harm
- Recognise your abusive behaviors
- Take responsibility and seek help to change
Please Remember
- The wheel shows abuse is systematic, not just "anger issues"
- Each tactic connects to reinforce control
- Help is available when you're ready
Building Safe, Respectful Relationships
The Wheel of Equality shows what healthy, equal relationships look like - the opposite of power and control. Each point directly counters the tactics of abuse.
1. Non Violence
- Respecting personal space and boundaries
- All intimacy is consensual and wanted
2. Non-Threatening Behaviour
- Discussing problems respectfully
- No threats or scary behaviour
- No stalking, monitoring, or harassment
3. Respect
- Valuing each other's thoughts, feelings, and boundaries
- Resolving conflicts calmly without aggression or manipulation
- Kind words and encouragement
- Treating each other as equals in all decisions
4. Trust & Support
- Respecting privacy while maintaining transparency
- Encouraging friendships and independence
- Providing emotional safety and reliability
- Offering reassurance without suspicion or jealousy
5. Honesty & Accountability
- Taking responsibility for one's actions and their impact
- Admitting mistakes without deflection or excuses
- Communicating transparently about important matters
- No gaslighting, lying by omission, or blame-shifting
6. Responsible Parenting
- Putting Kids’ needs first; no loyalty conflicts
- Major decisions (education, healthcare, etc.) are made jointly
- Both parents participate equally in childcare decisions and responsibilities
- Children are never used as messengers, spies, or bargaining tools
7. Shared Responsibility
- Equal decision-making authority in all aspects of the relationship
- Sharing household responsibilities fairly
- Mutual respect for each other's autonomy and independence
8. Economic Partnership
- Shared decisions about money
- Equal access to resources
- Supporting each other’s work or education
9. Negotiation & Fairness
- Shared decision making
- Valuing and respecting each other's opinions equally
- Open, honest communication with active listening
- Willingness to adapt and find middle ground
Wheel of Equality
Why this Wheel Matters
- Shows what truly healthy relationships look like
- Gives a roadmap for change for those causing harm
- Helps survivors recognize true safety
- Provides communities with positive standards
How to Use the Equality & Respect Wheel
For Survivors
- Compare to the Power & Control Wheel – your relationship should feel like THIS.
For Supporters
- Help whānau recognise healthy behaviours
For Organisations & Workers
- Train staff to promote these values
Need Help?
Contact Waikato Women’s Refuge -Te Whakaruruhau 24/7: 07 855 1569 or download a Whānau Safety Kit: Essentials to Pack